{The Actually REALISTIC} Self-Care Guide For Moms

Melissa O’Leary

Mar 10

9 min read

TAKE A DEEP BREATH, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK, MAKE A CUP OF COFFEE OR TEA & READ THIS.

If you’re reading this, my guess is that you’re tired. Not just "I could use a nap" tired, but soul-deep, "if one more person calls my name, I might fake my own disappearance" tired. You need time for a nap but seriously —what is time and who even has it?!

I get it. Believe me, I know. I’ve been there, staring into the fridge like it holds the answers to life while my kids stage a WWE match in the living room. Wondering why everyone else seems to have their act together while I’m trying to remember the last time I sat down alone without someone barging in to request a snack or Band-Aid.

Here’s the thing: motherhood is great, but it’s sometimes crappy, too. The quicker we can admit that multiple things can both be true at once, the quicker we can start to find solutions to all of life’s crappery.

Being a mom is a constant juggling act. Keeping tiny humans alive and managing a never-ending to-do list is hard enough. Trying to not feel guilty as you grapple with your existence and remember who you were before "mom" became your full-time job title is next to impossible.

Let me guess. Somewhere along the way, taking care of yourself got shoved to the bottom of your to-do list.

I know what you might be thinking: If one more internet person tells me to “do self-care” I’m going to glue my phone to a rocket launcher and send it to space. I know. Believe me, I do. But hear me out (and I say this with love):

Putting yourself last is unsustainable. You can’t keep running on fumes.

Your happiness and well-being matter. Sometimes, we need to drop a few of the balls we’re juggling for a little while because it means we feel more sane. Settling for “good enough” sometimes makes more breathing room to feel like a whole human.

You might be saying “I KNOW, MELISSA, but HOW?!” Calm down, we’re getting there.

So many of us want to take care of ourselves but just don’t have the time, money, support or energy. I get it. Ever found yourself alone for thirty minutes, only to spend it doom-scrolling or frozen in decision paralysis? Same. WHAT EVEN ARE HOBBIES? You’re not the only one who feels brain-dead and needs help. That’s why I'm writing this now.

Listen. What you are about to read is not going to solve all your problems, take away the guilt, dissolve the mental load, or cure your compulsive need to check on the sleeping baby. This is not a quick fix. It will help you to care for yourself. But we all have to start somewhere, to build the habit of caring for and about ourselves. I’m proud of you for trying.

Keep going!

"Let's Talk About Self-Care"

I almost didn’t want to call this a “self-care guide” because just saying the phrase makes me want to gag a little. Why?

Because we’ve been sold the idea that self-care is all $200 facials, solo dental visits, and cold plunges in your backyard while your kids magically disappear for hours. The wellness industry has somehow convinced us that we need to be wealthy, zen, and child-free to take care of ourselves. That’s a lie.

Look, yes—having money and full-time childcare would solve a lot of problems. But the absence of those things doesn’t mean we’re incapable of caring for ourselves.

Self-care isn’t about what you buy or how many things you check off your wellness to-do list. Red light therapy, green powders, and a 10-step skincare routine won’t do squat if you’re running on three hours of sleep and haven’t eaten a hot meal since 2022.

Every mom has a different setup and different barriers. One mom might have childcare but not the mental space to leave the house. Another might have the money but no support. That’s why I see self-care less as a practice and more as an intention. (I know—bear with me.)

To me, self-care means checking in with yourself, asking, “What do I actually need right now?” and doing something about it. Self-care is the belief; and the intention. It’s saying, “I care about myself” and “What do I need most right now to care for myself?”

It might look like saying no to your mother-in-law. Or saying yes to a Friday night cocktail you usually turn down out of guilt. It could be walking away from a toxic friendship, speaking up about your unmet needs, or reading a spicy novel with noise-cancelling headphones while your kids watch Bluey. Maybe it’s reheating your favorite meal after bedtime so you can eat something other than your toddler’s half-eaten cold pasta.

Is it glamorous? No. A long-term solution? Also no. Better than doing nothing for yourself because the conditions aren’t perfect? Absol-freakin-lutely.

REAL self-care is the daily act of tuning into what you need - big picture and small — and honoring it however you can.

I made this guide because sometimes, when you’re in the thick of it, simple, bite-sized choices are the only accessible ones.

And just so we’re clear: the fact that you’re even reading this— whether sitting down or standing with a baby on your hip—is already an act of self-care.

Let’s Talk About Guilt BECAUSE SHE NEEDS TO TAKE A HIKE

Please round up all your mom guilt that stems from taking care of yourself and pitch it into a pit of lava.

Like, now.

That little voice that says, “You should be doing something more productive.” Yeah, she lies. You know what’s productive? Not being burnt the flip out. You matter and your guilt does not serve you. Guilt is supposed to tell us when we’re out of alignment with our values. That guilt has a purpose. But not all guilt is necessary or helpful. Here’s the difference.

Helpful guilt has a purpose.

Guilt is there to alert us when we are in the wrong or living outside of our value system so we can do something about it. For example, we overreact to our kid’s behavior and then feel guilty. That yucky feeling sucks but this is helpful guilt. We can use it to remind us to apologize, learn from our mistakes, or try something new—or a combination of all three. We make mistakes and deserve as much grace as anyone else. The key to navigating helpful guilt is to do something with it instead of wasting what little energy we don’t have on a shame spiral.

Unhelpful guilt has no purpose.

It just leaves us feeling bad for no valid reason. We haven’t done anything wrong. We’ve simply made a choice that—for some reason — feels wrong. Like when we take a nap instead of going to the park with our partner and kids. Or when we wish our kid would just stop talking. Just because what we did or said feels wrong doesn’t mean it is. We don’t need to apologize.

Experiencing unhelpful guilt is often just a sign that we’re face to face with society’s pressure to do motherhood flawlessly. Sometimes it signals our internalized beliefs about what mothers should be. Those beliefs are rarely grounded in reality. If you feel guilty because you’re “falling short,” chances are the expectations you hold are soaring above where they ought to be. Chances are it’s time to lower the bar.

Taking care of yourself? You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Easier said than done, ma’am, I know. But, respectfully. How are you going to change a dang thing if you let your guilt stop you? Seriously. When you see the benefits of caring for yourself, you start to feel less guilty for doing things for yourself in the first place. Your needs matter just as much as your kids’. Say it again.

My needs matter as much as everyone else’s.

Let’s Talk About Having No Support

AND HOW TO CARE FOR OURSELVES ANYWAY

I get it. You’re juggling the flaming swords of motherhood and time alone feels like a fantasy. Here are some basic things to consider as you hunt to find time that does not exist.

1. Give yourself permission. To rest. To skip the dishes. To not be “on” all day. You don’t need to earn rest or justify boundaries. You don’t need a breakdown to earn a break. You’re the adult—you can literally declare snack time, lie down, and call it a strategy.

2. Use screen time strategically. It’s not lazy—it’s survival. Twenty minutes of TV for the kids can change your whole day. It can give you the capacity to do (or not do) something that alters your patience and energy radically. You’ll be able to show up how you want to more frequently without having to be perfect all the time.

3. Early bedtime = sacred time. When I FINALLY got my kids into a routine and I could anticipate freedom after 7:30 every night, my life changed. Obviously this is easier said than done but I would be remiss not to mention it. Children need quality sleep for brain development and you need to protect consistent windows of silence like your mental health depends on it—because it does.

4. Simplify meals. Do kids need nutrients? Yes. Do they need a mom who is not losing her shit everyday because she just wasted time and money cooking laborious food that nobody eats? Also, yes. Nourishment over Pinterest, girlfriend. Sanity over perfection. Never underestimate the power of store-bought frozen lasagna.

5. Schedule YOU into the day. Whether it’s five minutes or an hour, make it a priority. Set a reminder and then set a reminder for your reminder. It could say: “You matter. Do the thing that makes you feel good!” Hide in the bathroom. Stretch. Scroll. Sip something hot. If it’s on the calendar, it’s more likely to happen.

6. Create and communicate boundaries. Your needs matter, and the people in your life don’t know what those needs are unless you speak up (this includes the kids). Maybe it’s “I’m setting a 10-minute timer where nobody touches mommy,” or “No, I can’t come out tonight. I’m busy.” No one needs to know that “busy” just means you plan to do nothing after the kids are asleep. Clear boundaries are lines in the sand for the people in your life. Only you can draw them.

7. Lower your standards. I spent way too long doing things to perfection unnecessarily. It took time and energy I didn’t have. Do yourself a favor and lower the bar. This is not a forever thing. You can up your game when you’re not living in the trenches. Fold laundry like a raccoon, serve cereal for dinner, or wear the same hoodie twice (or six times). Do all three. Done is better than perfect.

Let’s Lower the Bar IT’S TIME TO BE INTENTIONAL.

How exactly is one to lower their standards?

There’s a lot of non-negotiables in motherhood. But often, we’re just doing, doing, doing—responding to what’s loudest, most urgent, or what we've always done—without stopping to ask: Does this still make sense for me?

This exercise is your permission slip to pause and question it all. Some you might be doing out of guilt or a sense of “should.” Some of it’s a result of autopilot living. And some of it? It’s just not serving you anymore.

Use the space below to reflect honestly. There are no wrong answers.

This exercise should help to sort through the silly old “shoulds” and help you to notice the margins of time you might be able to find time and space where it might not look like it existed before.

Let’s Be Practical BECAUSE CARING FOR OURSELVES IS HARDER TO FIT IN THAN WE WANT IT TO BE

1. Get honest with yourself. This step is crucial. It’s a daily practice. What do you need? Not what Instagram says, not what your friend swears by. What do you actually need today? Is it rest? Laughter? Silence? Adult conversation? A snack alone in the pantry? Some days you need to sweat it out and other days you need a sweaty burger. Check the list. Listen to your body. Is it woo? Yes. Does it work? Yes.

2. Start small. Just take the first step. Nothing lofty. Just…something. You don’t need a 7-step routine or a $200 face mask. Start small. Try one thing you haven’t before. Change one small habit. We’re not aiming for exceptionalism here. You get exactly zero gold stars if you aim to do everything on the list below. Zero. This is meant to be realistic.

3. Make a plan and just do it. If you don't set the intention and make a plan, it’s going to be harder to execute. But also, we’re moms. Be prepared to throw the plan out the window. This is life. Print out the list and put it on your fridge or save it to your phone. Write down your intention. Find an accountability partner. Whatever works. The goal is to try. Come back here anytime you are stuck.

The Mother List BELOW, YOU’LL FIND THE GOOD STUFF. I’VE CATEGORIZED IT AND EVERYTHING.

These practises are straightforward and don’t require serious cash or forethought. Try something and notice how it feels. If you like it, do it again. If not, try something else. The goal is to make caring for yourself as normal as making breakfast for the kids.

The more you do it, the more you’ll do it, you know? Remember, it’s not about getting it all done or doing it perfectly. It’s about doing something. The voice of guilt will try to slow you down and second-guess your plans. Tell it to shut up.

Your time is limited. You deserve to be well. Don’t overthink this. Just try.

This is Just the Beginning

I hope this guide gave you permission to let go of the unrealistic expectations out there and reminded you that caring for yourself is possible-even if it’s not perfect.

Here’s what you can do next:

Revisit this guide anytime you need a reminder that you matter.

Make taking care of yourself a priority and practise, practise, practise.
Come hang with me on socials for more honest convos and real-life.

You’re doing better than you think. You don’t have to do it all to be a good mom. Your kids need you well. I'm with you in the mess!