Self Care & The Single Mom
Single motherhood truly is a journey! One of the most important things I am learning as I navigate it is the importance of loving and showing up for yourself ~ much like you love and show up for your kids, your family, friends, coworkers and obligations. We pour out so much love, attention, energy and even money into these areas. Yet at the end of the day we can be left feeling empty. Drained. Alone. Just like we wouldn't go without charging our cell phones, we must also remember to re-charge our own batteries.
Finding time for self-care as a single mom can definitely be a challenge. Whether you are a single mom. A mom with a partner who is rarely home or maybe they are around but not actively engaged or supportive. A mom without family nearby, estranged from family or without a village. Everyone's circumstances in this motherhood journey is unique- but regardless, self-care is crucial!
WHY IS SELF CARE NECESSARY FOR THE SINGLE MAMA?
What I'm talking about here isn't just eating healthier, working out or keeping up on those annual wellness appointments. It is the importance of finding ways to make small, sustainable changes. To help reduce stress and break it down into a more manageable flow. Not only is this key for your physical and mental health, but it helps you fins a better overall quality of life for you and your children. In fact, showing yourself some love as a single mom is a great way to model self-love and set a positive example for your children.
HOW THE HELL DO I FIND TIME FOR SELF CARE?
There are some days where I'm crushin it and others where I feel like I'm barely holding on for dear life. Trust me, I'm living it and I truly get the struggle. Most of us inherently don't make enough time for ourselves-or are plagued with mom guilt if we do. What I'm here to tell you is you're going to have to FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
If you have a custody arrangement with your ex like I do, this provides an excellent opportunity for some guilt-free you time. Don't just spend it cleaning, working or planning {I am guilty of this more than I'd like to admit), but rather use it as a meaningful opportunity to do something you love or enjoy.
For the single mamas who have kids around 24/7...well you my dear are going to have to get a little more creative and be more intentional about making time for self-care. Self care for full-time working or single moms can definitely be a challenge, especially when kids are younger and require a lot more from us. DON'T be afraid to ask for help~ if a friend or family member offers to babysit, use that time to take care of you. If you have times where kids are in school, access to daycare, etc. use it. It's all about working with what you got!
TOP SELF-CARE TIPS FOR THE SINGLE MOM
ENJOY THAT CUP OF COFFEE, TEA OR WINE
Because chances are you NEED IT! But seriously, take a moment to pause and enjoy it. Even if it's just a quick 5 minutes to take in the aroma and feel that energy surge through you. I personally start every morning with my trusted cup of coffee before I can even go out and think about conquering the world and motherhood for the day.
2. TAKE A DEEP BREATH
When you start to feel overhwhelmed...stop what you're doing, close your eyes and take a really BIG deep breath. In fact, take another or do it for as many times as you have time for in that moment. As you are taking deep breaths, focus on something you are really grateful for. Maybe its your children, your job, your support system or the roof over your head. Anything. It doesn’t matter what your mind lands on, as long as the feelings of gratitude bring a moment of joy. You can’t do this wrong. Deep belly breathing is a quick and easy self care strategy for working single moms, that you can do anywhere.
3. TURN THE MUSIC AND PRODUCTIVITY UP
I have always said that music is my therapy. Whether you are jamming out alone in your bathroom or on the commute to work, taking a moment to hear your favorite or most meaningful songs can be therapeutic. Some days I have more of a "need to feel productive" or learn something and podcasts have become my jam! The cool thing is that you can literally find support and added perspective in just about any genre or area you need. Whether its parenting, divorce, motherhood, building mental fortitude or resiliency, humor, there is literally something for everyone.
Try out silence. An audiobook. Meditation ~ whatever it is that will bring you clarity and peace go for it!
4. FORGIVE AND LET THAT SHIT GO
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful gifts we can give to ourselves. It doesn’t mean you’ll forget the hurtful things that have happened to you, but it will allow you the freedom to move forward with your life in a healthy way. Forgiveness will allow you to grow as a mother and a potential partner to anyone you might date. This was especially true for me. Once I was able to forgive the circumstances and people I had ZERO control over, I could transition into a season of grace that helped me to be a better and more present mother. It allowed me to push past pain and truly see the blessings on the other side. This is a tough one! But I promise, it will be worth it and give you a healthier and happier outlook.
5. WORK IT OUT
Physical activity and exercise are an excellent way to give yourself some TLC. It keeps your heart and body healthy to keep up with your kids. Can help boost your confidence and overall mental strength/resiliency. But also is a nice boost of endorphins to help keep those stress levels down and get you through the chaos of motherhood. Plus let's be honest, IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AND ACCOMPLISHED ~ especially if you make this a regular and consistent part of your routine.
This past year I found my way back to marathons and endurance running after several years. I was nervous as hell and doubted my abilities to jump back in and commit to something of this magnitude. Let alone go the distance to keep up with everyone and actually finish. What I discovered is this has actually been a lifeline! No matter how stressful or crazy things get, I get a reprieve when I do that training run. It's a small, but impactful part of my life and allows me to focus on something other than the crazy demands and pressure I constantly feel as a single mom. And it's been HUGE for my overall confidence.
6. FIND YOUR TRIBE AND CREATE CONNECTIONS
Single mom life can be so isolating. Work at home life too. No matter what kind of working mom you are, connections with other moms is so important. If you are tech savvy, join a Facebook or online community that matches your interests. Find local groups to get involved and participate in. If you have close friends or family that can relate make it a priority to spend time with them. Go grab that coffee or have a lunch date. I recently found a really great church with a young and hip vibe/community and there are groups for everyone. Moms, women my age, women involved in similar interests. I've contemplated joining a running club. Hell whatever it is, get yourself out there and network. Find some joy and surround yourself with positive, motivated, inspirational and like-minded people.
7. HAVE A MINDFUL MORNING
The way you start your day has a profound effect on how the rest of your day flows. I like to have a mindful morning routine that includes meditating before I check texts, emails, or social media messages. I invite you to create a morning routine that best energizes you for your day. You could meditate, journal, stretch, exercise, or eat a healthy breakfast without technology. Whatever helps you to find ease before the craziness of the day begins!
8. BUDGET MONEY FOR YOURSELF
Girl, I am just going to start by saying that you DESERVE to spend money on yourself without feeling shame. I am really guilty of this one. I make sure my kids have everything they want and need, then I question and make excuses when it comes to me. STOP DOING THIS! You work hard, you constantly give and provide and you deserve to treat yourself on occasion. I get money being tight, so even if it something small or planned once or twice a month. Splurge on a coffee, get your nails done, get yourself a new book or self care item. But chances are your kids have far more than they need anyways and you can do a little something for yourself. You'll thank yourself later.
LIVE THAT HEALTHY LIFE MAMA
Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed all the time is no way to live. I’ve done it, and finally came out the other side feeling just slightly more in control of my life. Having choices is so empowering. So find, create and notice places in your life now where you do have a choice.
So many moms experience burnout and it’s usually after years of trying to carry an unbearable load alone. Many of us don’t have support as well. But we make the load heavier by BELIEVING it has to be that way, and by BELIEVING that we are in fact less important than our children. In order to really truly practice self care and feel the benefits of it without being weighed down by guilt, we need to accept that while our children may need our nurturing and care, so do we. We are in charge of saying “I deserve this” “I deserve rest” “I deserve to fuel my body” “I deserve to have energy” “I deserve to feel good” “ I deserve to feel whole.” If we don’t prioritize ourselves, who will
And when we get moments to feel like us again, to rest, to play, to have fun, to go to therapy, and to just be our own human- we come back better equipped to love, nurture and care for the little humans that rely on us so much. For me, I’m less crabby, more energetic, less resentful, more fun, and more engaged when I take intentional time to step away and focus on me.
Caring for yourself is not selfish, it’s selfless, because it is in taking care of ourselves that we become our best selves FOR our families.
Check out the Single Mama Chronicles on Facebook and Instagram for more. More community. Support. Humor. Resources. Let me part of your tribe and crush this single motherhood thing with confidence!
XOXO,
Melissa
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