Parenting Plans: Why Its Important & What to Consider

I a a huge advocate for having a parenting plan in place. Especially in high-conflict co-parenting dynamics. Chances are if you find yourself in these high-conflict relationships it can be difficult to communicate effectively about anything at all, let alone to agree on the MANY vital aspects that go into raising kids on the daily.

When my custody struggles began I was completely lost. There are so many components and moving pieces. So many emotions and in my case what felt like one cheap personal attack after another. Conversations always turned into arguments and there was very little trust and mutual respect which made parenting with one another nearly impossible. I was constantly positioned to be "bullied" or "pressured" into the wants and desires of my ex and his family, even if I did not agree.

I was fortunate enough to have an experienced family law attorney to help me navigate the rough waters. My parenting plan is lengthy and extremely detailed. At first this felt daunting, like our lives would now be dictated by pages of rules. But what I have since personally experienced and discovered in talking with others who have been through the custody/parenting plan drama is that's probably a good thing! Especially if you are prone to conflict with your ex.

SO WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

Having a parenting plan in place ultimately protects you! The likelihood that your ex respects you and your boundaries may be low if you find yourself putting this plan together. Having a parenting plan gives you a default to refer back to when issues or discrepancies arise...and over the course of raising your kids (especially as they get older)...they WILL inevitably come up! Instead of involving emotions or hostility and arguing, there is a set path. Both parties must agree to follow and be held accountable for upholding it. This gives you peace of mind and security, but it also provides stability for your children, which is always the number one priority when it comes to these situations!

WHAT ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO CONSIDER?

Parenting plans should be detailed enough to account for anything and everything that goes into raising a child. Like I said earlier, this can be A LOT. Things like education, financial obligation, living arrangements, extracurriculars, healthcare and major decision making, relocation, communication, etc. But each and every one of these categories presents the potential for disputes to come up, especially as time goes on and situations change.

Lets simplify this some...

EDUCATION

What school will the kids attend? Who will be the primary decision-maker on school matters? Who is on the school pick up and authorized for the school to contact? Who fills out forms or can request, access or make changes? Who is responsible for school drop-offs and pick-ups? How will this be affected in the event of illness?

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS/RELOCATION

Where will the children live? When will each parent have access to the children? What do curfews and rules look like at each home? Will the children have their own room/adequate space? In the event that one parent wants to relocate, how will these be handled?

FINANCIAL OBLIGATION

Is there child support orders in place (often times these are separate from the parenting plan or custody orders)? Who is responsible for purchasing school supplies, clothes, extras? How will extracurriculars/sports/activities/school fees be paid for or decided on?

TRANSPORTATION

Who is responsible for transportation to and from each other's parenting time/in between houses? Who is responsible for transporting to school, sports or events? How will other aspects of the children's social lives be accommodated? Who is allowed to transport the children outside of you and your ex?

VACATION/TRAVEL/HOLIDAYS

What type of travel is permitted? Is notification required and how far in advance? Are there rules for local (outside of city), out-of-state or international travel? When will each parent have vacation time time with the kids and how often? How are holidays split and do they alternate? Consider major holidays, Mother's Day, Father's day, etc. How about birthdays for the children and parents?

CAREGIVERS/RIGHT OF FIRST REFUSAL/MAKE UP TIME

Who is allowed access to the children and permitted to function in a caregiver role? Are the kids old enough to stay home alone? In the event that a parent is unable to exercise parenting time is there a right of first refusal (meaning they are required to offer the parenting time to you first)? Is make-up parenting time allowed?

HEALTHCARE/MAJOR DECISIONS

Who decides the children's pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist, vision, etc? Who is responsible for maintaining medical insurance for the children? Who is the primary decision maker for healthcare decisions? Who access to healthcare records, taking kids to appointments, emergency contacts? Who decides mental healthcare matters or other special needs if any?

COMMUNICATION/DISPUTE RESOLUTION

How is communication handled while children are exercising time with each parent? What requires providing notification to the other parent? How does communication take place (by text, co-parenting apps)? In the event that disputes do come up, what is the dispute resolution process? Is mediation a requirement prior? Who is the primary decision maker with respect to the child?

AS YOU CAN SEE SO MUCH GOES INTO RAISING HAPPY, HEALTYHY KIDS AND IT CAN BE A STRUGGLE WHEN YOU ARE CO-PARENTING IN HIGH COFLICT DYNAMICS. The biggest thing is to stay present, patient and composed. These issues will inevitability come up but having a parenting plan in place provides you support in holding your boundaries firm and staying true to your vision for raising your kids. You don't have to engage in stressful or high-conflict situations with your ex because everything is already detailed out for you both. It holds not only your ex, but you accountable as well and hopefully leaves less to be argued over. Which is ultimately best for everyone!

My custody battle was brutal but I have come out on the other side a stronger woman and mother for having gone through it. And I learned a wealth of knowledge and courage in the meantime. To anyone going through it, my heart feels for you. Feel free to leave a comment below or reach out to share your experiences and insight. I can promise you it does slowly GET BETTER!

XOXO,

MELISSA