Navigating the Holiday Season When Sharing Custody

If this is your first year dealing with a new co-parenting arrangement during the holiday season ~ you are not alone. The experience of navigating a new normal during the so-called "most wonderful time of the year" can be tough!

My children and I have always gone all out for every holiday. Big or small, there was always some type of celebration. All the typical traditions. My family's situation was unique in the sense that we did not enter into a custody arrangement until my children were 13 and 14 years old. So there have been many, many years spent soaking the holidays up just the 4 of us. We honestly didn't know anything different. Flash forward to our custody arrangement being finalized and now we rotate the major holidays every-other-year. At first the thought of this seemed like the end of the world~ actually going through a Thanksgiving or Christmas morning without seeing my kids felt crushing and filled me with major anxiety! That first year proved to be especially difficult but it forced me to step out of my comfort zone and discover some very key lessons.

Co-parenting always comes with it's share of struggles, unfortunately most of the time there's no way around that. The truth is, this co-parenting thing doesn't always come gracefully to us parents...I know it certainly didn't for me. There was a lot of infinite wisdom learned along the way and in going through the suck. But if you find yourself stressed, worried or anxious about splitting custody over the holidays {especially for the first time} THAT'S OKAY. Today we'll talk some strategies to help with Navigating the Holiday Season When Sharing Custody.

These tips will help you to keep your mental health and well-being in tact while still sinking into that holiday spirit. You can still prioritize your children and enjoy that seasonal magic as a family even if it looks and feels a little different this year! Here's how:

WHAT DO TYPICAL CUSTODY SCHEDULES FOR THE HOLIDAYS LOOK LIKE?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to this. In my family's case, we alternate the major holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, Fourth of July, etc. Other holidays like the children's birthdays, Mother's and Father's Day are also written into our custody plan. Some common arrangements that co-parents may choose to follow include alternating for even and odd-numbered years. Splitting the holidays in half, allowing both parents to partake in the same day. Or even fixed holidays. For example, if one parent values a certain holiday over another, parents may decide to celebrate their preferred holidays.

Every case is truly unique. If you are in the process of constructing your parenting time or custody agreement is important not only to consider the "major" holidays, but also other days of importance to you like religious holidays, special anniversaries, extended family birthdays and celebrations, days when the kids are out of school, etc.

Generally, there are rules regarding precedence as well. This means that a holiday schedule will take priority over regularly scheduled parenting time. This can obviously be emotional and challenging, as it may lead to greater periods of time your kids are away~ on top of spending the holiday without them.

FIGURE OUT THE SCHEDULE IN ADVANCE

DON'T WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE! If you currently have a set holiday schedule, confirm all the details ahead of time. Especially if this is new to you both. Having everything planned out in advance will help to minimize the risk of unnecessary or last-minute disagreements. Having a set parenting plan that defines the holidays (as well as all of the other details involved with raising kids) is a great resource to have, especially if you are in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship. If you do not have a set parenting plan, it is best to work together to schedule separate family events that work for everyone's schedules.

COORDINATE GIFTS

If possible, try to coordinate with your co-parent what gifts you each will be getting the children. The last thing anyone needs is one parent rushing out to buy all the "top gifts" on the kid's lists, leaving the other parent with hardly anything left. Some co-parents may chip in together to purchase larger or more expensive items. The BIGGEST thing to remember here is try to take the high road and avoid competing with your co-parent to give the best gift or spend the most money on the children. Big gifts don't change the situation, so showering your children with gifts will not solve anything. It is a poor example to show your children when you get sucked into this type of jealous behavior.

If you are able to have open and positive communication with your co-parent do it! This will go a long way towards ensuring that your children have an amazing holiday.

SET HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS

It is important to let your children know what the plan is and that both parents will have time with them. Ensuring everyone is happy and comfortable with the plan (or at least able to respectfully abide by it) will help to ensure a smoother holiday season and transition for everyone involved. Be mindful of how you speak and act regarding the plan and changes. Children are very observant and the last thing you want is for your child to feel sad or guilty about not being with you for the holiday. You also don't want them left feeling confused or left out~ after all these situations are tough for everyone to navigate. Especially when it's new and unchartered. Present your plans cheerfully and show support for them. This will help your children feel confident and secure with the holiday plans.

HELP YOUR CHILD SHOP

If it is reasonable for your situation, consider helping your child buy a small gift for the other parent. This will make your child feel proud and happy and demonstrate your goodwill toward the other parent. The holidays are more about giving than getting, so you will be teaching your child a valuable lesson. Even if you don’t get along with your co-parent, helping your child buy a holiday gift is actually a gift for your child.

TRY TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES

Whether it’s your first holiday as a co-parent or your fifth, coping with split custody on special days can be difficult. While it’s difficult to not have your children with you during every holiday, remember that your children have two loving parents who each want to spend time with them. On the same note, your children want to spend time with each of their parents. Enjoy your holiday time when you have it, and do not pressure your kids or make them feel guilty when you are apart. Try focusing on self-care efforts that can help you and your family members navigate the holidays. 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

By its very nature, a parenting plan may mean that your child will not be with you during some holidays. With so much to do around the holidays—the baking, the decorating, the shopping—this seems easy enough. Eventually, though, you’re likely to find yourself with some quiet time; and instead of using this time to run around taking care of everyone else, make a point to take some time for yourself. Plan things for yourself with family and friends so you are not alone and lonely on these days. Spend your time doing something that makes you happy. Make your enjoyment a priority. At the very least, make sure you have some distractions ready and alternate plans. Self-care is extremely important when you are going through a divorce or custody disagreement. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, it’s hard to take care of anyone else.

PLAN ALTERNATE CELEBRATIONS

If your child is not going to be with you on a big holiday, all is not lost. Plan your celebration for when you will next be together, even if it’s a random Saturday. This can be a very special day that you can both look forward to. You can even start new family traditions that everyone will look forward to each year. Use this time to connect with your support network or tribe~ lean on them if you need it! Chances are they would love to support and encourage you through this challenging time. Consider new traditions like Friendsgiving. Or join other loved ones in their celebrations. It truly is what you make of it and YOU CAN CHOOSE TO STILL FIND JOY THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS EVEN IF YOU ARE SHARING CUSTODY.

Simply put, splitting the holidays can be an emotional and gut-wrenching task. Especially, if you are used to stable. Comfortable. Idyllic, picture-perfect holiday seasons. It's HARD to adapt to the new reality that comes along with co-parenting and divorce. I am very much a creature of habit and tradition ~ so I truly get it! Whether it's your first year or you've been doing it a while, there is no shame in feeling anxiety or a little extra stress as the holiday season approaches. You are a GREAT mom because you care so much about this precious time with your kids and pour so much into your family! Read that again and give yourself some credit!

In all honesty, it does slowly get a little easier. While you will always feel it, you do adapt and become stronger. More empowered. Resilient as hell! You just have to hang in there through the turmoil and emotion of the early years. Don't forget to extend yourself grace through it. Learn from it and keep going strong for your children. They need you mama and you all deserve a blessed and merry holiday season!

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