Managing Holiday Stress Through Co-Parenting and Divorce
The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of year! A joyous season filled with family gatherings, delicious food, festive decorations. But for those working through divorce or co-parenting, the holidays can be a significantly stressful time and full of emotional challenges. Especially if the situation is volatile and full of conflict to begin with.
Learning how to navigate the holidays while dealing with the complexities of co-parenting and divorce may seem overwhelming. This can be especially true in the very beginning. But it is possible to manage your stress and find moments of peace and joy in the chaos. This week I am sharing some of the best tips I have for MANAGING HOLIDAY STRESS THROUGH CO-PARENTING & DIVORCE. I've been in the trenches~ so I truly get the struggle. These tips helped me survive {and enjoy} the holidays in those early days! Allow me to share them with you...
CREATE NEW TRADITIONS
This is a BIG one. If you stay focused on the past and what once was, you will miss the opportunity to create new, positive experiences with your children. But still, it can be challenging to face old holiday traditions that may no longer be possible or enjoyable with your new co-parenting dynamic. Instead of trying to maintain, force or over-compensate for these traditions, reflect on what brings you joy in your present circumstance. This can be as simple as starting a new holiday baking tradition or hosting a Friendsgiving to celebrate with close friends as well. By creating new traditions you can focus on building new memories with your children instead of dwelling on the past.
PREPARE YOURSELF {AND YOUR KIDS} FOR AN UPCOMING CHANGE
With divorce and co-parenting, it is important to come to terms with the fact that things are going to be different. While this isn't easy, it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative experience either! The plans you once had may no longer be possible with the parenting schedule. Be realistic. Don't try to take on more than you can handle. It's OK to say no or decline invitations or requests if it means taking care care of you and your family.
It is also important to prepare your children for these new changes so they know what to expect as the holidays approach. Communicate clearly what the new plans are. Allow your children plenty of advance notice so they can process and come to terms with a new reality, just as you are trying to do. If appropriate and possible, involve the children in the planning process...even if it is just during your parenting time. This will help give your children some sense of control and participation during some pretty major changes. Acknowledge and validate any emotions or concerns they have about the changes. Maintain as much consistency as possible and reassure them about the continuity of both parents’ love and involvement. Communication, emotional support, consistency and re-assurance are all key during this time of transition.
PLAN IN ADVANCE
This will spare your sanity~ I promise! Don't wait until the last minute to make holiday scheduling plans. It's never to early to start making arrangements. Keep track of your plans and to-do lists, try to stay organized to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Every little thing gets put in my planner...a.k.a. my scheduling bible. The holidays can be unpredictable, so be prepared for last-minute changes and try to remain flexible. If your parenting plan spells out the specifically how the holiday time is to be divided, look ahead and start planning now.
Maximize the time the best you can with what you have to work with. For example, my parenting plan states that we are entitled to extended periods of time outside the normal schedule while the children are on holiday breaks from school. This does however require at least 30 days notice and a bunch of other stipulations to accompany it. It is still possible to have all of the experiences you want with your children during the holiday season, it just requires some creativity and thinking ahead.
IT'S NOT A COMPETITION
I know firsthand, it can feel frustrating and defeating when your ex competes with you on providing things and gifts for the children. Don't feel pressured to buy your children's love after a divorce or separation. The holidays are a happy time and not a competition~ do not ever feel the need to out-do them or make them look bad in any way. This is just petty and it's best to take the high road, even if you aren't being met with the same in return.
I do however recommend coordinating gift-giving with your ex if possible. This can help to prevent duplicate gifts but will also help ensure holiday gift-giving does not negatively impact post-separation or single-income finances. If you have a high-conflict co-parenting relationship, this type of communication may not be possible. If this is the case, sit down with your children. Have them create two wish lists ~ one for each parent or side of the family.
If your ex does choose to get lavish with the holiday gift-giving, don't get discouraged! This use to make me feel so beat down because I simply couldn't afford to provide the same expensive and unnecessary things. Your job is to be the BEST mom possible, not to compete with and keep up with your ex! Simply, let them and focus on what you are doing and planning. The measure of your relationship with your children and the quality of the holidays is not based on materialism and presents. So save yourself the heartache, stay positive and focus on the love you have for your children and the wonderful things you provide!
FOCUS ON THE GRATITUDE
Going through a separation or being caught in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship may highlight feelings of loss or sadness during the holidays. It can be especially challenging if your parenting/custody plan has alternating holidays or leaves you with extended periods of time without your children. Prior to my situation, I had my children for every single holiday. Adapting to now splitting this time and missing out on some of those moments for the first time felt unbearable.
The most profound thing I learned coming through this whole thing is how important it is to shift your perspective towards gratitude for what you still have in your life. Take time to reflect on the things you are grateful for~ whether this be spending quality time with your children, enjoying moments of peace and solitude, or having a supportive tribe by your side. Practicing gratitude can help cultivate positive emotions and foster resilience during these challenging times.
LEAN ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM
Going through a divorce or separation is challenging under any circumstances. If you are in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship or this whole thing is new to you the holidays can amplify feelings of loneliness and isolation. DON'T hesitate to reach out or speak up if you are struggling. It truly takes a tremendous amount of courage to do so! It's essential to seek support from trusted friends, family members or mental health professionals who can provide empathy, guidance and validation during this foreign and stressful time. Having someone to lean on can make all the difference in managing the stress of the holidays.
While the holidays can be a busy and stressful time for everyone, there are ways to manage and overcome the emotions and challenges that accompany co-parenting, divorce and separation during this time. Spare yourself from being overwhelmed and miserable! Whether this is your first round of holidays navigating this new reality or you've been dealing with it for a while...the steps you take and mindset you have can make a powerful difference! Hopefully this guidance will help to simplify your holiday season this year. Hold your head high, keep focusing on your children and don't forget to lean on your people when you need a little extra love and support. You got this!
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