It's Not Personal: 14 Comforting Truths About Raising Teens During Puberty
If you have a tween or teen living under your roof, chances are you are very familiar with the infamous attitude and sass. A slammed door that rattles the house like an earthquake, a moody silence that lasted a whole day, a meltdown over something seemingly small (like buying the wrong snacks or the WiFi running slow), or even a dramatic eye roll accompanied by a heavy sigh.
Not only have I personally been there parents, but this is still my life on the regular haha! Something I learning is not to take it personal in those moments. (I know, it's easier said than done). But here's what you HAVE to remember:
It's not personal, it's puberty.
The cold hard truth of the matter is teenagers are a walking paradox. They’re a delightful (and yes, occasionally insufferable) mix of almost grown-up and still-a-kid. One minute you’re having a logical conversation discussing family vacation plans, the next, they’re stomping off because you “breathed weird.” It’s like living with a real-life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde… buckle up and hang on tight!
To offer you a bit of reassurance, here are some comforting truths to remind you that you're not alone on this journey. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re definitely not a bad parent, and most importantly, your teen still needs you more than ever (even if they don’t show it).
Your Teen Isn't Actually Mad You Exist
They’re overwhelmed, anxious, irritated, and their hormones aren’t just swinging, they’re slam-dunking between moods. Think of it like a shaken soda can. You’re not the reason it’s fizzing, you’re just the one who opens it and has to deal with the explosion. Bottom line, they trust you enough to show their messy moods and feelings – the ones they can control and the ones they can’t.
Despite How Much They Say It, They Don't Hate You
They might act like they do when when you ask them to do something like take the trash out, clean their room or unload the dishwasher. Or when you put your foot down, say no or need to set firm boundaries. Maybe they're just tired, hangry or just flat out being a teenager. One minute your teen is lovingly wanting to be around and talk to you and the next they're yelling at you like everything is your fault. But when they calm down, they'll wander into your bedroom randomly to hang out for a while and suddenly you'll see flashbacks of who they were, along with glimpses of who they're becoming and it will calm your mama heart tremendously. That's love just teenager style.
It's Not Always About You...Ignore the Eye Rolls and Dramatic Sighs
Parents I'm telling you, please don't take this one personal! This is coming from a teenage girl mom here. The heavy sighs, eye rolls, unpredictable outburts and tears, yelling, the occasional slammed door~ It's not about you. Their bodies are growing fast and their brains are undergoing a total overhaul. So when your teen acts out for what seems like no reason at all, it’s easy to slap a “disrespect” label on it, but in most cases, it’s not disrespect; it’s biology.
Now that being said, that doesn't mean you should tolerate blatant and repeated disrespect as a parent. Even if it IS biology, respectful boundaries should be should be put in place, along with consequences for if/when your teen crosses the line (and at some point they will).
You're Still One of Their Favorite People, Just Not In Public
They might pretend you don’t exist in the school drop-off line and want to crawl under a rock if you volunteer at their school, but then they’ll ask you to give them a backrub later that night or jump at the chance to grab lunch with you at their favorite fast-food place.
It’s confusing, I know. But they’re trying to figure out who they are, how they should act, and they definitely don’t want to seem “uncool” in their friends’ eyes. Just roll with it while you smile a little smile knowing that the kid behind the “I don’t need you” attitude in public still needs you very much. It’s just on their terms now.
Their Closed Bedroom Door Isn't the End of the World
This one is for all my helicopter moms...the micro managers if you will. Hear me out when I say (and this took me some time to embrace)...but it's really OK. Think of it as your teen's way of communicating "I just need some space" or "I can't handle this right now".
I am a proud mama to a 15 and 14 year old. I can't tell you how many times they have come home from school in a horrible mood or stormed off into their rooms screaming that "I don't get it". An hour later they are texting me asking if they can have a snack or go to their friend's house. To translate this for you, this is your teen's of actually saying "I'm sorry, I still need you". I promise parents, the drama fades but the bond remains.
They're Constantly Watching and Actually Do Care
They’re watching everything you say and do. What you eat, how you treat the check out clerk who ticked you off, how you handle stress, how you speak to strangers, and how you treat your spouse. They may roll their eyes, but they’re absorbing your values. You are the blueprint so make sure to be the best possible role model you can be.
If They Don't Want to Hang Out With You It's Not Rejection
You haven’t “lost” your teen, and they don’t hate you. They’re wired to seek independence. It’s not rejection; it’s growth! Trust me, they still love knowing you’re there, even if they pretend otherwise. In the meantime, grab hold of those moments when they DO want to hang out – whether it’s five minutes or five hours. Cherish every moment that you do get to spend with them because trust me, they grow up way too fast.
You Aren't Crazy For Reminiscing On They're Little Kid Days
Those days were exhausting, yes, but there was sweetness in the simplicity. It’s okay to grieve that. But don’t miss the beauty hidden in the teenage chaos – the deep talks in the car, the hilarious TikToks they share, the moments when they still curl up next to you to vent about a friend, a weird teacher or what's happening on their cheer team.
They Don't Wake Up On A Mission to Make Your Life Challenging
Even though some days it may feel like it. But I assure you, that's not what's happening.
Their behavior isn’t premeditated – it’s just part of being a teenager and figuring themselves out, and that messy process often spills out onto the people closest to them – that means YOU mom.
You're Not Alone
I am fortunate enough to have many close friends (including my best friend) that are also in the thick of raising teenagers or have already paid their dues and come bearing words of wisdom. You're SO not alone in this! In fact you're in good company when it comes to parenting. Talk to other parents, join a social media support group or follow a blog ~ like the Single Mama Chronicles ;) When it comes to this stuff, it takes a village of support. Swap stories and laughs with other parents. Trust me, it helps!
They Don't Need You to Be Perfect
Take a breath and give yourself some grace mama. After all, us moms are human and this is our first time living too. Your teen doesn't need you to be perfect, they need you to be consistent, present and unwavering. Be the one who loves them through it all, no matter what they say or do. Above all, keep showing up no matter what.
It's Normal (and Expected) to Feel Emotionally and Physically Drained
No, this doesn't mean you are failing as a mom or something is wrong with you. Someone said if you’re not emotionally exhausted parenting your teen, you’re probably doing it wrong. The truth is, teenagers are like emotional personal trainers. They’ll wear you down to your very last nerve. Take breaks. Practice self-care. You matter too!
Love Them Louder Than Their Mood Swings
Love ’em through it all. On their good days, their bad days, and every day in between. Through the slammed doors, the frustrating silences, and the ridiculous arguments about curfews, clothes, and their messy bedroom. Your love is their anchor. And, even if it feels exasperating, just remember, this is all temporary. They really DO come back (or so I'm told)!
One Day They'll Understand You Really Did Try
Not today. Probably not tomorrow or next week or even next year. Maybe not even until they’re in their twenties. But one day, they’ll look back on their childhood and all those challenging days when they were a teenager and realize you showed up. EVERY TIME. And, that will mean everything to them.
Raising a teenager requires humor, grace, grit, and a whole lot of snacks. But above all, it requires love that never quits – even when your teen acts like they’d rather be anywhere else.
So the next time your teen lashes out, rolls their eyes, tells you they "hate you" or acts like you’re the most annoying human on the planet, take a breath. Remind yourself: It’s not personal. It’s puberty and you're doing a GREAT job!
Melissa
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