How To Love Your Teen Through The Hardest Days
Anyone that has parented teenagers (or is currently in the thick of the teen years) can certainly relate here. The random meltdowns and emotional outburts. Sometimes seemingly out of nowhere...slamming doors, stomping around, the heavy sighs and "I hate everyone and everything" moments. As parents, it's hard to be the scapegoat. We so often get caught up in our kids’ emotional splash zone. The moods, the jabs, the snarkiness, and the silent treatment – it’s not personal, but man, it sure feels personal, doesn’t it?
One of the biggest things I have learned through the rollercoaster of emotions that the teenage years bring is not to take it personal. Even in the times where you know you don't deserve the lashing or poor treatment. It's easy to get sucked into taking it personal or cracking down on their disrespectful tone. But learning to take a deep breath and letting them decompress in their own way and room is always the better option.
We have to remember that our kids will always save their worst for us… not because they hate us, but because we’re their home base – the one place they can unravel and show their worst side and still be loved. That doesn’t mean we allow disrespect. It just means we lead with grace. We correct when the storm has passed. And on the days it feels thankless, we hold on to this truth: Being the one our kids fall apart in front of means we’re also the one they trust most to help them put the pieces back together. Even if they never say it.
As a mom who understands how difficult it can be to stay calm when your teen is having a hard day (and taking all their frustration out on you), here are a few things I’ve learned about being the parent they need, especially on their worst days.
Give Them Grace-Remember What They're Going Through
Being a parent of teens is hard, but being a teenager might be even harder. The struggles they’re going through both internally and externally are enough to make anyone moody, cranky, and unpredictable, at times. Their massive physical growth spurt, their developing brain (that accounts for a lot of their instability in moods), their fluctuating hormones, and the external pressure they’re feeling to transition from a kid to an adult aren’t easy for them. The world is telling them it’s time to grow up, and they’re not ready. They have one foot planted firmly in their childhood and another gently stepping toward the unknown “grownup” world – it’s a lot of pressure!
Let Them Be Human (And, Messy and Emotional)
Your teen is going to have rough days – a lot of them. More often than not, they won’t understand why they’re feeling so out of control. They need you to help them through it. When they’re melting down, rather than jumping in to fix things or, worse, unleashing on them for their attitude (which will only escalate the situation), remind yourself that you need to anchor your teen through their storm, not make it worse.
Don't Dismiss Their Feelings (No Matter How Insignificant They Feel To You)
Everything feels bigger to your teen. Everything seems more complicated to them than it does to us. We might think something they’re dealing with is “no biggie,” yet to them, it might feel like the end of the world. “That doesn’t sound like such a big deal to me.” “You might just laugh about this one day.” “I think you’re overreacting about this.” Yikes… nothing will trigger your teen more than these comments. And nothing will push them away faster.
Your heartfelt comment might seem logical to you, but not to a teenager who’s muddling through the thick of life. Instead, try saying, “I can see why you’re upset.” OR “That happened to me once, so I get how you’re feeling.” Empathy builds trust and connection. Being dismissive shuts it down.
Don't Match Their Energy!!!
When your teen walks in the door frustrated or with their fists up ready to fight (figuratively speaking, that is), you have two choices. You can either jump onto their emotional roller coaster or be the calm in their chaos and patiently wait until they get off the roller coaster. (Again, that never means we should tolerate blatant continued disrespect – although, remember everyone deserves to have a crummy day now and then.)
Pull them down from the rafters by being calm and speaking softly. Their goal in life isn’t to make your life hard; they’re just trying to figure out theirs. Remember, too, if the situation gets heated or you can’t control your own emotions, walk away and revisit the situation when you’re calm. You’re not doing your teen or your relationship any good by joining in on the chaos.
Do A Little Deeper Digging
Sometimes, our kids’ moody outbursts seem to have no bearing whatsoever. Other times, there is a legitimate reason. Don’t assume, just because your teen woke up or walked in the door in “one of their moods,” that it’s hormones. Our kids need us to dig deeper than that and not chalk up every mood to hormones or “teenagering.”
Maybe they found out a girl or guy they’re crushing on doesn’t like them back. Maybe they bombed a test they studied hard for. Maybe they’re dealing with friend drama, and it’s wearing them out. Always give your teen the benefit of the doubt and lead with curiosity. There’s a ton going on behind the scenes in your teen’s life… make sure they know it’s okay to let their guard down and let you in.
And, if you don’t know how to support them, ASK. “What can I do to help?” You don’t need the perfect speech, and you don’t need all the answers. What your teen needs most is to know you’re there for them. Sometimes, just sitting beside them speaks louder than any words ever could.
Gently Call Them Out On Their Behavior
Rather than losing your ever-loving mind and yelling at your teen for their behavior, try calling them out on it. “Listen, clearly you’ve had a crummy day. Instead of taking it out on me, why don’t you tell me what’s going on so we can figure it out together?” OR “You want to try that again? You and I both know I didn’t deserve that response.” OR “You’ve been going on about this for the last 20 minutes, and it’s not getting us anywhere. Let’s work this problem together… calmly.”
Using words like “WE,” “US,” and “TOGETHER” will let your teen know they’re not in this alone and you’re on their side.
FEED THEM
I’m pretty sure if someone did a scientific study on parent-teen relationships, they’d find 90% of arguments occur because their teen is either hungry, tired, or overwhelmed (or the parent is). So, the next time your teen gets snarky or sassy before you react, make sure you
H.A.L.T.
H – HUNGRY: Are they starving? Before you respond or react, cut them some slack and FEED THEM.
A- Anxious: Are they worried, stressed, or anxious? Talk to your teen, ask questions, and be supportive. They need you.
L- Lonely: Are they feeling left out, isolated? Maybe what they need is your patience and understanding.
T- Tired: Are they exhausted? Did they pull an all-nighter last night studying? Cut your teen a little slack and tell them you’ll be happy to talk calmly about it when they’re rested.
Don’t Let Their Hard Days Make You Feel Like You’re Failing
Your teen’s struggles and mistakes aren’t your report card. Loving them through their worst moments means sometimes realizing their problems can’t be fixed and just being there for them. That’s not failure. That’s deep, honest parenting.
Check In On Them (Even When They Say “I’m Fine”)
Teen language can be hard to dissect. Sometimes, “I’m fine” might be code for “I need you, but I don’t know how to tell you.” Keep knocking on your teen’s bedroom door, keep checking in on them, keep talking, and keep trying to stay close and connected.
Even a few texts throughout the day, “Hey, babe… thinking of you! How’s your day going? I LOVE YOU!” can make all the difference in the world to a struggling teen.
Speak Love – Through Your Actions AND Words
Not every connection will be a deep heart-to-heart. But even a quick hug, a note left on their desk, or sitting beside them watching their favorite TV show tells them: “I care and I’m here for you.”
Those little things can build the bridge that keeps your relationship strong, even in the hardest seasons. Perhaps even more important are your words… they NEED to hear you say it. Tell them you love them, especially when they’re at their lowest. Tell them you’re proud of who they are, even when things aren’t going right. Reassure them: “There’s nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. Nothing.”
I am raising two teenagers (ages 15 and 14). Some days it's messy and complicated. Especially in our unique co-parenting dynamic. Others it feels like they are constantly switching off or worse-tag teaming in the chaos. So I understand how tough it can be on the mama heart and how crucial it is to stay calm. Even when you {quite literally} want to lose your sh*t. Remember, it isn't always about you!
Just love them through it all, parents. The messy, chaotic, loud, unpredictable moments… all of it.
~Melissa
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