Coping With Shared Custody: Benefits & Strategies For Separated Parents
My Story
One of the hardest things I've had to face in my adult life was going through a fairly contentious custody battle, which came several years after separating from the father of my children. Prior to that, it had been my children and I against the world. With little input or involvement from him. But in my state, 50/50 or shared custody is the norm in the family court system, regardless of individual circumstances.
I prayed. Cried. Pleaded. Ultimately, I was blessed with the opportunity to ease into 50/50 over the course of 9 months. There was a time period to adjust to a new normal, find acceptance. Cope. But it was hard as hell! Especially at first. The fear and uncertainty. Learning to let go. Not knowing who I was without my children and our daily routine. There are so many unknowns when sorting out custody or entering into a 50/50 or shared parenting arrangement. One of the biggest things for me was coming to terms with the fact that I no longer had control over so many aspects of my children's lives. And that I certainly was not alone in all of the grief and feelings that come along with sharing custody.
How To Cope With Shared Custody
Wondering how to cope with shared custody? To be honest, you just have to fake it until you make it!
The first days, weeks, and months were really hard on me. But my children didn’t deserve to have a mother who added even more stress to their little lives.
They didn’t deserve to hear negative words about their father, or about the attorney fees piling up, or about the endless paperwork and court appearances.
They were going through enough already, and it was my job to make them feel safe and secure. So that’s what I did.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them that I was so happy they got to spend an awesome few days with their dad. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them that I was so excited that their dad’s girlfriend was becoming a big presence in their lives. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face, and I told them how thrilled I was that their dad bought them so many expensive gifts, while I was worried about our lack of grocery money. And then I cried and felt sorry for myself when they left.
I put a smile on my face every single day in front of them, and I gave them the absolute best care and the most love I could possibly give them.
And then one day, I just wasn’t sad anymore.
Fake it until you make it. It really does work with shared custody.
Living With Shared Custody
Fast forward to now, almost two-and-a-half years since my ordeal began and almost a year of exclusive 50/50 shared parenting time. I can honestly say that I couldn't be any happier with our shared custody arrangement. It has taken a lot of time and reflection. still miss my kids with every fiber of my being when they’re gone. Unfortunately, that part never goes away. But I’m really happy nonetheless.
So how did I go from sheer terror at the thought of shared custody to feeling satisfied with how things turned out?
I realized a few things along the way. And I’m happy to share the benefits of shared custody with you so that you can see the silver lining of shared custody too.
Benefits Of Shared Custody
You Can Get A Break For Once
Sometimes people just get complacent and let others do everything for them because it’s easier. But when they need to step up, they will. Things may not always be done the way that you would do them. You may not always agree with decisions that are made or conversations that are had with your children. But as long as they come back to you healthy and happy, that’s the only thing that truly matters.
Going through a separation or divorce is tough on anyone. Remember to care for your self too. Your kids deserve a happy and healthy mama. Sharing custody gives you a chance to do that and be at your best for the time you do have with them.
You Can Experience Having A Social Life Again
You can hang out with your friends again. You can go to concerts, musicals, museums, and even events again. Whatever you used to love doing before having kids, you can do those things again, because now you have some free time. I know you completely forgot what that meant once you had kids, but with shared custody, you get a part of your life back. I took this time to explore new interests and hobbies. To explore and go adventures. It's all what you make of it!
You Can Date Again
Not only can you meet new and interesting people to have actual adult conversations with, but you can enjoy dinners, drinks, and entertainment out again. You can even go on weekends away again all thanks to having shared custody. It's okay to get back out there and enjoy companionship and healthy relationships again. Without the guilt of taking time away from your children for someone else.
You Can Run Errands Kid-Free Again
Without kids tagging along, errands are whining, fighting and begging-free.
You Can Clean Your House, And It Stays That Way
Cleaning gets done so much faster and easier without children at home, and your house can even stay clean for days until they come back. Furthermore, you can easily complete home renovation or fun little projects over a weekend while your children are away.
You Can Relax and Recharge
Having time to yourself makes you a better parent. You can get lost in a book, binge Netflix, or take an uninterrupted bubble bath. I started running after all of my stuff and now I am a marathon runner and have completed 7 since going to shared custody, which has been an amazing accomplishment and something I never thought I'd be capable (or have the time) to do. It doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is that you get to relax and recharge, and then you’ll be excited to see your kids again when they get home.
Strategies For Coping With Co-Parenting
Acknowledge Your Feelings
If you feel a mix of emotions during a changeover—maybe sadness, guilt, relief, or anxiety—rest assured that your experience is normal. It can feel strange to be separated from your own child.
Pretending you feel fine, or trying to muscle through and just stop having these emotions, can be counter-productive. Instead, give yourself permission to experience them. Just remind yourself that feelings are fleeting if you don’t lean into them.
Separate Your Perspective From Your Child's
When your child is with their other parent, you might have a strong sense of uncertainty when you don’t know where they are, what they’re doing, or how they feel at any given moment. It can be deeply uncomfortable.
When you drop your child off, you’re childless for a while. But it’s important to keep in mind that your child is not parentless. The impact is different.
Remind yourself that your child is still being parented, even if it’s different. They’re still with their mom or dad, possibly even having a good time, so they might not miss you the way you miss them. Even if your heart aches, theirs might not ache as deeply—even if they love you and miss you very much.
Stop Worrying So Much
If you have a high-conflict relationship with your former partner, you might think your struggle the whole time they’re away from you. There are lots and lots of ways to parent that are fine. Just because your co-parent isn’t doing everything the way you would do it, doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong.
If you can reframe the experience as something that benefits your child rather than harming them, it’s much easier to live with. Keep the big picture in mind: In many cases, spending time with both parents is helpful or even crucial to your child’s well-being. But if your co-parent is simply approaching things differently—even if you think the approach is worse—comfort yourself with the knowledge that it might not hurt your child as much as it hurts you.
Learn To Let Go
When you separate from your former partner, your child is influenced by another person who does things differently. Maybe they don’t make them play outside, maybe they allow twice as much screen time. Maybe you feel you’ve lost part of your connection to your child.
Finding a way to let go of that control is really hard, but it’s really important. Keep reminding yourself that your child can have different experiences without suffering.
Most importantly, remind yourself that your connection to your child goes much deeper than the color of their walls or the minutes they spend playing Roblox. They love you because you’re their mom or dad, not because you make them play outside every day.
Create A Ritual
If every drop-off feels similar, then the process starts to feel routine instead of stressful. Your ritual might involve a secret handshake, a series of 3 hugs, a high five, or taking a selfie together.
You could also bid your child goodbye with the same phrases each time. Something along these lines:
“I know it’s tough when we’re apart, but we’ll see each other soon!”
“I’ll be thinking of you—and I bet you’ll be having a good week!”
“I’m always here for you, even when we’re not together. I love you forever.”
“Your dad/mom will take good care of you, and we both love you forever!”
“When’s our next phone call? That’s right, it’s tomorrow! Can’t wait!”
Saying “I’ll miss you” might seem harmless, or even comforting, but it puts an
emotional burden on your child. When your child hears that, they understand that
you’re in emotional pain, and they may feel obligated to make you feel better—at a
time that might be emotionally confusing or challenging for them.
Use Your Childless Time Thoughtfully
Some single parents come home to a completely empty house after dropping off their kids. Or even if you still have a full house with a current partner and bonus kids, you might feel a sense of emptiness without your other child present.
Refill your own cup and focus on self-care: Relax, go to the gym, spend more time with your friends. Sleep in on the weekend or just savor sleeping through the night. Dive into your hobby, whether you embroider or play the ukulele or golf. Catch up on taxes. Focus on work if you love your job. Eat something other than mac and cheese!
Your time is yours—take advantage of that. Try to enjoy it. Give yourself permission to not feel guilty. Just because you enjoy sleeping through the night doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It just means you’re making the best of your current situation—and your child wants you to be content with your life. It’s easier for happy parents to help their children thrive.
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
You know what? Feeling miserable is ok. It does feel unnatural to be separated from your child. Sometimes there really isn’t a way to feel ok.
Curl up with a blanket and a pint of ice cream and have a good cry. Missing your child is normal. Allowing yourself to experience your feelings is healthy. Then, reframe your thoughts. Our feelings come from our thoughts—influenced by our experiences, but still regulated by our thoughts.
It’s difficult to choose new feelings, but you can choose new thoughts, and the feelings will slowly but surely follow. Another important thing to understand is that seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time. You might be miserable and benefit from your time alone. Your co-parent doesn’t parent the way you parent, and your child will still be ok.
You are coping the best you can, and you can learn to cope better.
IT GETS EASIER
It took me a long time to realize that things were ultimately going to work out. I cried and longed for my children night after night, and I worried myself sick about them being taken care of properly. But each day got a little better than the last.
Being a parent is one of the greatest joys I have in my life, but these days I know that being a parent is not all that I am.
My kids get the best of both of their parents (and now step-parents). And they’re spoiled with love in both of their houses
Divorce sucks and shared custody can be hard. But we make it work and so can you. Find your support, your friends, family or village. It'll be OKAY.
~Melissa
For more on co-parenting, resources & support check out The Single Mama Chronicles on Facebook and Insta.
Comments