Common Co-Parenting Challenges & How to Overcome Them

After a breakup, divorce or settling custody terms, individual parents often face obstacles when it comes to co-parenting and providing the best care for their child. Effective co-parenting requires active participation, dedication and mutual respect on both sides. Whether you have been co-parenting with your ex for quite some time or are new to the process, you have been forced to create a different dynamic...one highly dependent on communication. It can be extremely difficult to build an acrimonious and agreeable relationship with someone you have decided to separate from. But regardless of the circumstances, teamwork and a healthy co-parenting relationship is always in the best interest of your child.

While no co-parenting relationship is perfect ~ there are some effective ways to address the common (and inevitable) struggles that come along with co-parenting. Join me as we talk through what these challenges look like and positive approaches to better manage them. This will not only make your life less complicated, but it will help you to prioritize the well-being of your child along the way.

DISCIPLINE DIFFERENCES

More often than not, differences in discipline styles becomes more pronounced after separation. This may include how to discipline, setting expectations and what the rules in the home are. If parents share 50/50 custody these can all be exacerbated. Setting two different standards for conduct and rules at home can make a child’s life inconsistent and confusing. Additionally, parents that disagree on rules may not enforce the same levels of punishment or continuous discipline. If a child breaks a rule in one home and is disciplined by being grounded for a week, the other parent may not choose to uphold that discipline when the child transitions to their home for their week of custody. 

This can translate to a lack of respect as well as feelings of being dismissed by the first parent. This can also generate inconsistencies for the child who may struggle to understand boundaries, consistency, and rules.

MAINTAINING CONSISTENCY

A common difficulty of co-parenting includes maintaining overall consistency between the two households. This includes much more than disciplinary practices, it also includes overall choices for lifestyle, financial ability and support, scheduling, and other various factors such as safety.

Differing parenting styles and inconsistent support and messaging can be confusing for children. For example, screen time may be limited in one household, while it is supported and encouraged in the other. Or, one home may encourage a strict diet while the other is more laissez-faire. Parents may disagree on essential aspects of their child’s life and create inconsistent lifestyles and choices between the two homes and the child’s life.

COMMUNICATION

Sometimes a divorce is amicable and mutually decided upon. Other times there may be some hard feelings lingering. Regardless of where your situation lies, communication is essential and key in co-parenting. Common communication challenges in co-parenting include emotional barriers like feelings of anger, animosity, resentment, distrust or dislike. Regular disagreement with the other parent's parenting methods or life choices. Disparaging, speaking negatively or lying about the other parent to the child. One parent neglecting the child or ignoring communication with the other co-parent. Or even lack of respect or understanding for the other cop-parent.

As you can see, there are many opportunities for communication to fall short or break down when co-parenting with an ex partner. However, there are typically many years ahead in which you will be forced to communicate and work together with the other co-parent, so it is best in the long run to build a foundation for solid communication.

FINANCIAL INEQUALITY BETWEEN HOUSEHOLDS

The financial dynamics of co-parenting are often times hard to communicate and can be a major source of discontent. This can result in strain and added challenges in the co-parenting relationship that ultimately impact the well-being of the child. This can present itself as lack of financial support from one co-parent. The financial needs of children change as they get older and may not include additional expenses initially addressed in child support or custody orders. Sometimes child support orders may need to be adjusted to compensate for adjustments to respective incomes or changes in time/custody.

This can also look like one co-parent choosing to make different choices in their parenting styles such as purchasing or providing more expensive or unnecessary items, toys, clothes, electronics, etc. Or providing extra activities and opportunities like family vacations or camps. This can cause strain cannot provide to the same extent or "keep up", or if it simply doesn't align with the other co-parent's values.

HOW TO OVERCOME THE CO-PARENTING CHALLENGES

As you can see, there are many ways conflict can work itself into the co-parenting relationship.

It's a struggle I know firsthand. I remember the early days that seemed so bitter and chaotic. By now I have been navigating this for a few years and my co-parenting relationship with my ex has seen many phases, life changes, the kids have gotten older.

The truth is, even though time has healed many of the wounds and it has gotten a little smoother with time...it's still tough and a constant challenge. I have tried many different approaches over the years and there simply is no one-size-fits all for this kind of stuff.

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU OVERCOME & BETTER MANAGE SOME OF THE MOST COMMON CONFLICTS IN COPARENTING

AVOID UNECESSARY CONFLICT

Unnecessary conflicts typically arise from emotional responses and disagreements between co-parents. To truly avoid unnecessary conflicts, one must possess a certain level of self-awareness. Meaning, recognizing when we are thinking with our hearts and not critically in the situation. It is always best to approach a disagreement with a logical and reasonable approach, rather than an emotional one.

Co-parents can also pre-emptively resolve potential conflicts by creating and adhering to co-parenting or custody agreements. They may set parameters around parenting choices, lifestyle choices, as well as enforcing discipline. This may include discussions and agreements about: establishing rules for consistency, important tasks, experiences or activities. Financial accommodations, major decision-making and transitions between homes may also be written into these co-parenting plans.

Having a parenting plan that is detailed and specific can actually help to eliminate the frequency of or potential for disagreements to occur. However, it is important to keep in mind that as situations change or the children become older, the specifics of the co-parenting plan may also need to adapt.

PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING

The foundation of effective co-parenting is communication. Active listening can help facilitate communication and mutual understanding between co-parents. Ways to practice active listening include:

• Giving your full attention the speaker

• Making eye contact and listening with respect

• Listening and practicing empathy with the speaker

• Re-iterate what you are hearing to ensure understanding. (This does not mean that you necessarily have to agree with the other co-parent or adopt their point of view)

• Trying to restrict criticism (this usually just adds fuel to the fire)

• Finding the first step to work towards a feasible solution

Keep in mind that your tone of voice is also important. It is best to use a cordial and neutral tone. Instead of making demands, try to phrase things into questions and requests. It is also important (especially in co-parenting relationships that are prone to high-conflict) to always keep the conversations strictly child-focused.

COUNSELING/MEDIATION

Some co-parenting relationships are just plain volatile. If you try different communication and negotiation tactics and still cannot find a resolution, it may be helpful to enlist the help of a professional. Counseling can support co-parents in finding balance within their responsibilities. It can be useful for teaching co-parents better tactics and strategies for healthy communication and conflict resolution. Counseling may also be beneficial for learning how to set (and enforce) boundaries within the co-parenting relationship.

Over coming challenges in co-parenting is not a one-and-done deal. It will require consistency, communication and learning how to adapt to new challenges as they arise ~ and they will. Learning how to better manage these conflicts will help to establish feelings of safety and security for your child. It will set a positive example for your child of what healthy communication and problem-solving looks like. Plus, it lessens stress and improves mental health and well-being for your kids and YOU.

For more help or to talk co-parenting struggles LIKE + FOLLOW The Single Mama Chronicles on Facebook & Instagram. Or feel free to email me directly. I love hearing other folk's experiences with co-parenting.

XOXO,